I’ve been accused of overusing exclamation marks. So, I asked my long lost cousin his thoughts on the subject. Now, my cousin believes the world has gone bonkers with too many rules. He believes that he is filling a space in this world that no one else can fill, because he is unique. Because of this, his opinions, he believes, should be highly regarded.

So, I asked him the following questions, and got the following answers:

Q. What do you think of exclamation marks?

A. I love them. I love the look of them on the stark white paper. The more the better.

Q. Do you think, as my psychiatrist thinks, exclamation marks are therapeutic?

A. By all means, it is a way of getting your pent up feelings out. Get rid of those inner demons.

Q. But what about the rules of punctuation?

A. Well, you know my feelings about rules. I feel that anyone who derides the “ Marks”, is probably a funless, overly fastidious person.

Q. What is your definition of the “ Marks”?

A. Words of strong feeling need the “ Marks” after them. This shows excitement, anger, pain, surprise, fright and happiness. I am always excited when I write, hence the “Marks”.

Q. Someone told me that in the old days of manual typewriters, people didn’t use the “Marks” much. Do you why?

A. Yes, I do know. The old manual typewriters were not equipped with an exclamation mark key. So it was just too much trouble to have to type a full stop, then back space, then push the shift key and then type an apostrophe! What a-to-do!

Q. Why do you think the use of the “ Marks” has increased lately?

A. Well, people nowadays with the internet, want to express themselves more and get noticed. When I put a lot of the “ Marks” in my writing, I feel I’m getting a lot of attention.

Q. So, in conclusion, my cousin, would you be inclined to tell me and the world to continue using many “ Marks” ?

A. Absolutely! No question about it. The King’s English will be better for it. Apparently, the exclamation mark is derived from the Latin word for joy. More joy, that’s what I say.

“ Well, thank you, my cousin, for this enlightenment.”

“ You are entirely welcome!” he smiled.

The bottom line, my friends, is that the “ Marks” are valuable tools to show emphasis and excitement.

WOW! With all this white paper, I’m getting excited!!!

My wife and I were looking for a picture for one of our lounge walls. I was in favour of leaving it blank to avoid clutter.  Anyway, I liked the colour of the wallpaper and didn’t want to cover up any part of it.

No! We had to have something to fill that space, dictated my wife. So, one rainy afternoon, I found myself in an art gallery.

Now, I don’t usually go into art galleries because I never really learned “ how to look” at a painting. There was a course like that at the YMCA, I remembered. It was listed under Adult Education. I didn’t enrol.

I never appreciated the “ Mona Lisa”. I thought if some woman was sitting alone at my local bar who looked like the “ Lisa”, I wouldn’t buy her a drink.

When my wife said she wanted something on that wall, I suggested a calendar. One with beautiful landscapes for every month. That was not chic, said my wife.

So, here I am, cocking my head back and forth, staring at paintings and mumbling to myself.

The woman owner of the gallery came over to us and said: “Do you like that painting?”

“ Yes,” I said. I lied. The painting we were looking at was a multicoloured object. Streaks of all colours were going off in all directions. My wife said it was just the right size for our wall. I thought even my long lost cousin wouldn’t like this picture.

The owner of the gallery smiled and said: “ The nice thing about this painting is that you can hang it any way and it looks good.”

She proceeded to turn the picture around in all directions to prove it to us.

Now, I knew I was ignorant of visual art. But, I would never turn the picture of my Grandfather upside down. It would be too scary.

“ Very interesting,” I said.

“ This picture is on sale for only £1000,” she smiled.

I gulped. My wife was silent. It probably wasn’t such a bad deal considering you could hang it in any direction.

I said we would think about it and I steered my wife towards the door.

Next week, I’m going to a calendar shop, with my long lost cousin!

My cousin, my long lost cousin, he lives in the USA, just popped up one day in cyberspace. Now, don’t ask me the details about his arrival, because it was a while ago, and I have a very unreliable memory. But, this man, my cousin, is amazing, he has more problems and gripes than people.

My long lost cousin has the wisdom of Solomon. He says, progress doesn’t have to be the automatic consequence of accumulated knowledge and science development, because of the problems progress creates. Slow it all down! We would be happier.

Should we go back to the horse and buggy? He’s not sure. But, look at the damage and pollution cars, planes and weapons of war has caused. My cousin says, it’s the side effects that we have to withstand that gets to us.

Let me give you an example. This is about his disdain for technological progress. Let’s get to some specifics that my cousin has related to me by electronic mail. He said he has lost thousands of $ to tech advances in the last 25 years or so. It’s not just the money, he says, but the fact that he loved his old things!

First, “ they” took his 8 track tapes. You remember those? They were those large clunky reels of tape. “ They” made them cassette tapes, then into CD’s, then MP3’s.

Then his movie collection got changed. Beta, then VHS, DVD;s to Blue Ray. What next, he says, holograms in the middle of his lounge?

Now, he still has his old 8 track tape player, but can’t get it repaired. “ They” say it’s too old, no parts available. It’s an antique!

One good thing, he tells me, is that he kept his old crank phonograph player, so at least he can play his 78 rpm records.

My cousin says, people need to have their progress slowly. Everything today is much too rapid.

If tech advances were taken gradually, step by step, my cousin probably would still be playing his cherished 8 track tapes.

Anyway, he believes the world has gone progress bonkers, crazy, mad!!!

I really feel for him, don’t you?

I was sitting at the bar in my favourite watering hole, contemplating my next move in my life’s journey, when I heard some swearing two stools down. Apparently, the lottery numbers were just announced on the TV. No one won the jackpot, at least not at this tavern.

I was asked by one irate loser why I was so calm. I told him:

“ Unlike the rest of you fools, I was sure I wasn’t going to win!”

“ Don’t you have any hope of winning? Anyone with a ticket has a chance to win.”

“ The powers that be, rig the lottery, so people like me don’t have a ghost of a chance to win.”

I shifted on my stool and smiled at their blank expressions.

“ People like me can’t win the lottery!”

“ Why’s that?”

“ The powers that be, don’t like my character traits, my likes and dislikes. I’ll give you an example: Take Hawaii, I hate Hawaii, but a lot of people that win big always say they’re going to Hawaii. I don’t like fire dances or pigs cooked in holes in the ground!”

The whole bar was listening by this time, all with unbelieving looks on their faces. But I continued on with my story.

“ Winners always say they’re going to buy a new house, furniture or car. The whole kit-and-ka-bootle! But I’d keep all my old stuff!”

A guy at the end of the bar yelled, “ Your wife wouldn’t like that.”

“ Right, so I would announce I’m going to retain a divorce lawyer and get rid of her as soon as possible.”

The same guy at the end shouted, “ That’s terrible of you, considering all those years she’s given you!”

“ Actually, it’s quite decent of me. Because I wouldn’t hire a hitman to bump her off. I also wouldn’t share any of my new wealth with family or friends.”

Someone shouted, “ That’s a terrible statement to make.” The entire tavern, now, was in an uproar. They were all glaring at me!

I know it’s terrible, but that’s me, and people like me don’t win the lottery. I probably would tell my family and friends to get lost and don’t bother me about my money.”

The bartender said, “ You can’t be serious.”

“ Yes, I’m very serious. I would be content to live without family and friends if I won. I would just enjoy myself to the limit!”

“ You couldn’t spend your whole life as a good time Charley!”

“ Why not? There has to be one lottery winner that says, “ I’m going to keep my old house, shed my friends, dump my wife and do all the things I want to do.”

They all shouted in unison, “ You would bring shame on the lottery!”

“ You may be right. So, If I ever win, which I don’t think I ever will, but if I do, I will change Plan A to Plan B. I’ll stay with my wife. Are you all happy now?”

They all started clapping and shouting, “ Good for you!”

“ Yes, and I’ll get three young lovers on the side!!!”

I’ve been very stressed-out lately! I’ve just been reading the latest diet book and I have very negative emotions about it. There are so many diet crackpots around.

My doctor says I need to lose a few pounds. How do I accomplish that feat? I love my food! Every time I eat something I enjoy, I feel guilty, it might be too fattening.

In fact, I’ve been having memory problems recently and the Doc says, because of my stress about my weight and what diet I should follow, I might be developing mild cognitive impairment!!!

Now, I am of Biblical Age and because of my love of food I’m starting to worry, not only about my weight but looming dementia also!

So, I have embarked on the “ To Suffer And Be Miserable Diet”.

The rule of thumb is: If I like it, I can’t have it; if I don’t like it, I can eat all I want.

So, I eat a lot of mashed up green vegetables. I don’t like green vegetables, but I eat them. Consequently, I don’t gain an ounce!

The only vegetable I like is the baked potato, heaped with butter, sour cream and melted cheese. It tastes wonderful. But I can’t eat it, therefore, I suffer.

Now, I love Italian food, so when I go to my favourite Italian restaurant, I salivate reading the menu. The thing I like is the lasagne or spaghetti carbonara with a bottle of red wine. Can’t have it! So, I order fish with mineral water.

This rule applies even when you go shopping. When you walk down the aisle of the supermarket and you see something that makes you hungry, don’t put it in your trolley. If you see something that makes you sick, take a half-a-dozen of them!

So, ladies and gentlemen, stick to my “ Suffer And Be Miserable Diet” and you’ll lose weight.

The problem is, you might end up with mild cognitive impairment, aka losing your mind!!!